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Young Starlet Set to Star in Upcoming Project

Hollywood, CA– Insider sources have confirmed that an up and coming starlet internationally recognized as one of the bright shinning stars on the horizon is set to star in a major motion picture which will go into production some time within the next year or so.

The project, which is reportedly going to cost the studio up to millions of dollars to produce, is widely expected to appeal to a large number of customers in the U.S. as well as internationally and will most likely make millions more back in the box office.Ugh.

Many allegedly involved with the feature are keeping their cards close to their vest leaving the potentially massive audience in collective anticipation.

“I can’t comment on any project in the early stages of development,” said  studio exec Harvey Weinstein from his office in Culver City. “Especially if you continue to refuse to give me even the subtlest hint as to what project you are referring to.”

However frustrating, Weinstein’s reluctance to speak on tinsel town’s darling starlet and her next big move is not exactly atypical in a business full of secrets and surprises. One reason for  all of the secrecy could be due to rumors surfacing around town that the future Oscar contender and her film may be having some trouble getting off the runway. But who cares.

“If there is any truth to these rumors, then we could be dealing with one of the worst cases of career suicide we have seen in years,” said Conner Hughes who wastes his time running an extremely popular entertainment blog. Hughes went on to say that if someone would be a little more specific as to what star or project we were referring to he might be able to “speak on the subject with less blind speculation”.

So the question remains: What exactly is going wrong on the set of this film and why is everyone keeping so mum in a town where gossip normally leaks from every crack and seam?

Some people have even claimed that this project may in fact not exist and, in an even more bizarre twist, have accused this reporter of writing a baseless and ambiguous piece in an effort to mask the fact that instead of doing his job he went out to get drunk with his old college roommate who was going through his second divorce and needed a drinking buddy.

At the time of publication, the roommate in question has not responded to messages left on his cell or home, making no attempt at addressing these allegations.

However, the author of this piece while neither denying or confirming the fabrication of this story did seem to question whether or not he was “wasting his life and Ivy league education” by writing this “incalculably unimportant dribble” before going on to suggest that ” working on the assembly line at a giant cock factory as a giant cock lubricator would be less degrading than his current occupation” and apologizing to his family and the general public for pushing this “mental diarrhea” down their throats while promising to “take a good long look in the mirror” before heading into work the following morning.

New Music Monday: SALEM - TRAPDOOR

If you like drinking cough syrup, you might like this track from Salem.

Obama Launches Largest Rescue Mission in U.S. History

West Point, NY–  Speaking from West Point on Tuesday Obama announced his intention to launch a massive and unprecedented rescue mission in which he will dispatch up to 30,000 U.S. troops deep into the heart of Afghanistan in hopes of bringing back the 70,000 or so soldiers currently trapped in hostile territory.

“The time for action is now,” Obama said while speaking in front of a group of cadets at West Point. ” We can no longer sit and wonder when our men and women stationed behind enemy lines will be returning home to their families. Which is why I am setting in motion a plan to send a clandestine team of 30,000 rescue troops into Afghanistan to free these brave men and women, finally bringing an end to the injustices they have endured during the last eight years”.

This announcement could not have come sooner for families of the U.S. troops abroad, some of whom have loved ones that have been in Afghanistan for over fourteen months. Troops who have been doing anything they could to survive through a quagmire imposed upon them by the people of Afghanistan when they allowed nineteen Saudi Arabian, Egyptian, and United Emirate hijackers to attack the U.S. on September 11, 2001.

Obama went on to express regret that diplomacy had failed to bring these troops home and assured the U.S. public that his administration considered “every possible action” before deciding that the only sure way to bring home as many men and women possible was to send in additional troops to rescue the troops as well as help with the packing and carrying of wounded soldiers supplies and personal belongings.

Senior administration officials said Tuesday that this was the “largest effort” to bring American troops home from Afghanistan since 2001 and sends a clear message to any enemy of U.S. that we will “no longer idly sit by as they continue in their efforts to defend themselves”.

Obama said that he does not intend to keep the troops in Afghanistan a moment longer than it would take to accomplish the objectives of the mission which include securing all troops and defeating anyone determined to be an enemy, before swiftly instituting country wide infrastructure and a working Afghan government to ensure that the few remaining enemies of the U.S. don’t try to “pull another stunt like this ever again”.

President Obama finished his speech with a bold guarantee to bring home the troops in Afghanistan and end a seemingly endless war.

“We cannot and shall not fail in this historic mission to bring these troops home safe. It will not be easy, it never is. But I can guarantee you that this mission will be a success, I will bring these soldiers home by 2011 or, at the very latest, by the time that the war is over”.

You, sir, are a moron. A fat, gay, moron.

I know it is probably wrong but I can’t help but blame my daughter for being so fat.

Dear Samantha,

As a parent of four children I know that many of the decisions I make for myself and my kids end up affecting their lives in one way or the other. So when I see my youngest daughter (who is a good forty pounds overweight) eating junk upon junk I can’t help but think that she may in some way be adding to her weight problem with her terrible eating habits.

Despite the obviously repulsive outcomes of her hedonistic dietary choices, she continues to eat food that makes her resemble an overstuffed bean bag. I supply her with ample amounts of make-up, mirrors and criticism but none of these have seemed to provide her with a realistic viewpoint of how disappointed she makes me feel when I look at her.

If you would have told me eleven years ago that I was about to give birth to the cookie monster I never would have believed you in a million years. However, with every  Gusher this gusher shoves past her vocal cords I have no choice but to accept the possibility that my genes may be flawed.

You should see the amount of joy a few donuts provides this girl. All I have to do if she is ever upset with me, no matter the reason, is plop a few bear claws in front of her and clear ass out of the way. I worry that a boyfriend may figure out these parental tools and use them to his advantage somewhere down the line. Of course, at this point her being taken advantage of by a boy is the least of my concerns unless his name is Ronald McDonald ( I am sooo badd!!).

So I have come to you in a desperate plea for help. My daughter’s behavior has become detrimental to my happiness and that of my boyfriend(s). I love her with every part of my being but I know that at some point it may be time just to let go. Have I reached that point? If not, how can I make sure that people know her looks have nothing to do with my parental abilities?

Forever in your debt,

Mother of the Michelin Man

Did Nostradamus Predict the Current Weather?

With  cold weather patterns appearing all across the Northern Hemisphere, many have pointed to predictions made by the controversial French apothecary Nostradamus as evidence that he may have truly been able to see hundreds of years into the future.

“It can not be refuted,” said Dr. Richard Bishop a world renowned expert in the life and works of Nostradamus, ” that Nostradamus accurately predicted that towards the end of the year of our lord 2009, we would experience a temporary climate change which would last roughly between two to four months and would mainly consist of colder temperature including rain and snow fall as well as shorter days.”

Although translations differ slightly depending on the translator, most experts agree that in his great work known as “The Prophecies” Nostradamus predicted a period at the end of 2009 where we would see ” the sky suddenly turn gray as steel  and release upon the land thousands of cold pellets which will cover the earth and cause great distress to the masses…”. A quotation which clearly refers to the snowfall we have been experiencing around the world in the past few weeks.

Although it is too soon to be certain, it appears that so far Nostradamus was correct. Areas throughout the Northern Hemisphere have been experiencing this prediction on a massive scale. So far in the US alone we have seen snow fall and colder weather eerily similar to the descriptions of “cold pellets” and “gray skies” made in the mid Sixteenth century by Nostradamus.

  With more and more occurrences like the snowfall or “cold pellets” falling in Utah last week (pictured to the left), it is becoming somewhat difficult for the naysayers to argue against the accuracy of the predictions made by Nostradamus.

Despite the evidence which continues to pile up with every snowflake, there are some skeptics.

“It boggles my mind that so-called intellectuals would take a vague writing like the ones being attributed to the current weather and say this is what Nostradamus meant in his writings. In fact, I find it to be incredibly irresponsible”.

Climatologist Nick Burgen said from his home in New Hampshire.

“No, these predictions are clearly referring to some sort of cataclysmic event besides the weather. What we need to do now is figure out what Nostradamus meant by “cold pellets” and prepare ourselves for this coming disaster before it is too late.”

With this latest prophecy proving to be true many have began to wonder and worry about other more ominous predictions made by Nostradamus that may come true with the passing of time.

“We now know that these predictions are accurate and we would be fools to ignore them,” Dr. Bishop said,” I have already began preparations for an extended period half way into next year where Nostradamus has predicted ‘a great heat where the sun shall kiss the earth burning away the layers of snow and flooding the valleys”.

“I will not be unprepared this time”.

New Music Monday: Miles Fisher

From a dead on Tom Cruise impression to a recent (albeit small) role in Mad Men, Miles Fisher seems to be on his way to doing something with his life besides graduating from some lame school in Mass.  Besides the fact that the video is a superb homage to American Psycho, this cover of ‘This Must Be the Place’ by the Talking Heads is better than the original, so check it out.  You can see the Cruise impression here.

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